lazy summer days in montana

Sat 26 Aug 20:30
“When the gravel disappears you’ve fallen off the map” –Mom

I guess that means that today we’ve proven that the world is as flat as the piece of paper containing our map while driving in Montana.

The goal: to visit some of my aunt & uncle’s friends.
The result: wondering if we’d managed to get on roads worse than those literally marked as “unsurfaced (inquire locally).”

Somehow we ended up going from the prairies of farm country Montana where I’m currently at visiting my relatives (Mom, aunts, uncles, and grandma) to the Bear(s) Paw(s) Mountain(s). (Pick your ‘s’ placement – you only get one and even the wildlife warden we met on the rez couldn’t tell us what ‘s’ was correct.)

We drove and drove and drove and didn’t find the cabin we were looking for so we kept going, following what we thought was a “gravel road” on the map towards a tiny town my mom and uncle remember going to rodeos in with my grandpa.

Heh – that was a joke.

I haven’t laughed that hard and long in a long time. This road got narrower, ruttier, rockier and cow-ier the further we went up it. Oh wait – was that a road? No, it was a logging trail. Ireland ain’t got nothing on this sucker since these were REAL mountains with switchbacks. And what were we driving these in? A lovely front wheel drive Ford Taurus. Brilliant!!

Going up a switchback past some cows, we started talking about where we were – no one was quite sure but my mom and uncle couldn’t remember ever going on this road in their lives. My aunt mentioned the need for GPS and my comment was “Your GPS would tell you ‘where the hell are you stupid humans?’”

Driving out of the Indian rez I thought we’d seen a lot of empty Bud cans and bottles. That didn’t have anything on what we saw as we crested the hill I’m surprised the little white Taurus that could made it up: an empty bottle of Southern Comfort. At that point, I needed oxygen from breathing so hard and we didn’t know whether to turn around or go forward. Apparently someone else let the liquor make that choice for them.

Mind you, we were driving in free range country – so when we stopped for a stretch and to let out some more laughter, I got friendly with the Family Bovine who were attempting to pass us on this tiny dirt logging path. By the end, the Dinner Family had introduced themselves as Mrs. Hamburger Bovine, Mr. RoundSteak Bovine and their two lovely children Lil’ RoastBeef and Ribeye Bovine. Ahhh – some good MOOOOS were had by all.

We finally made it out of the mountains after an exclamation by my uncle at another “huhwha” stop of “Sis, I don’t know which way to go. Relative to prairie, where are we?” – although we had no clue where as evidenced by the comment made by my uncle when we could finally see further than the trees in front of us “we’re out of the mountains… are we North or South of them though?”

We made it back to the teensy tiny farming town where we’re staying with Grandma only to need to stop for a refreshing beverage at the Redneck Club and Casino (I kid you not – pictures shall be had). American crap beer tastes like watered down crap at this point – wow, I never thought that’d happen.

In case you were wondering if I’d keep any of Ireland with me as I visit farm country USA – yes, I have. I caught myself saying bollicks in the car… and brilliant multiple times. Congratulations, Irish English, you’ve been introduced to the county of wheat country and ranch country Montana that has a teensy town my mom grew up in with a Redneck Club and Casion.

And to summarize my lovely day driving in Montana with my family: “I don’t want to know how they built this road, I want to know why!!!”

Sun Aug 27 09:30
Malt o’ Wheat

Mmmmm mmmmm good. There’s this wonderful substance that’s a bit grittier than Cream of Wheat which is perfectly amazing called Malt o’ Wheat. It was an uber-yummy breakfast. A bit o’ sugar and butter and we were perfectly in business.

I definitely love visiting Montana – so relaxing and fun. I just hope we get to play lawn golf today!!!

Mon Aug 28 11:25
Such a BIG town

My mother gave me directions to get to the grocery store and library today. I laughed so hard at her – she even drew a map. It’s beyond ridiculous here! C’mon mother – I think I c an figure out how to go 1.5 blocks to main street, turn left and follow traffic signs to stop at “the highway” and cross the tracks. Just tell me “about a block from the cemetery” or whatnot. Silly mother – you cannot get lost in this town. And the directions to the grocery store were beyond hilarious. First of all, I’ve been there before – many times. Secondly, it’s 3 blocks away and I’m odd for driving it.

Welcome to this huge metropolis of a sleepy town.

Mon Aug 27 21:33
Lawn Golf is tha Bomb Shizzle!

I can’t laugh anymore – it hurts – a lot. Lawn golf has to be the most ridiculous lawn sport ever invented. It’s not proper like croquet; it’s not random like bocce ball; it’s completely unique to play a game with piping and golf balls where you combine horseshoes and a bit of… ‘shrooms?

Holy holy holy – my lungs hurt and I sound like a lifetime smoker when I laugh because I’m hacking like a madwoman. Buckets of laughter were had by all… and then some! And yes, I was on the pink team and the pink beat the purple. It was siblings v. “the rest of us.” And you’ve never heard so many excuses or so much whining in however long you’ve been alive times 1000 years.

I can’t believe the stuff we said tonight – you would never believe me saying to the police officer across the street “sorry for disturbing the peace” after my mother decided to ask his councilwoman wife for more light to make sure the pink team wasn’t cheating. I told them to send her back to NY where they could handle crazy women.

Maybe I shouldn’t have sat at the Mint for so long friggin’ refusing drinks. I thought the Irish rounds system was bad – but at least then it’s you and the people you went in with – not the entire bar buying for the rest of the bar. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeesh. And American crap beer at that! Wooo.. Mom and I were doing well when we got home to eat with Grandma and then of course, there was Lawn Golf – the god of all sports. I should make myself a lawn golf set and have friends over for a bbq next weekend if there are people not concert going (and if I’m not concert going).

I think my lungs might be recovering, although I think an ice cream bar might be in order to make sure to numb the pain of laughing so hard.

I might be wearing purple pants, but pink still won at the brilliant game of lawn golf.